| Does anyone even read this ish anymore? |
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| 11:12am 30/06/2008 |
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All I know is this...I feel myself shutting down. I feel like not talking about how I feel anymore. For fear of being looked at like I am stupid. For fear of my feelings being taken advantage of...again. For fear of someone going and telling someone that they have no business telling. I feel dumb. Dumb for caring what people think so much. Dumb for not being strong enough to stand up for what is the truth and what other people should know. I am growing. I am growing up, finally. Sometimes I feel like it...and other times I dont. I am so confused, frustrated, angry and sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I know that none of this makes sense...it wont. I just had to get out how I feel for a minute. To much going on in my head and to much confusion in my heart.
I wont talk about it anymore...I refuse. Talking about it makes them hurt me even more. If they dont get a reaction, they will stop. My dad said...truce. Fine.
Sex is not love. No matter what some people say. I recently learned this.
I wish some people living closer...close enough to build stable relationships with. Wether it be just friends...or something more.
My job is boring...I need a change. I have a hard time admitting this because of something I recently heard at my work. I cant and will not quit...I just need to challenge myself more.
When am I going to meet someone? Someone that takes everything I have to give and does not use it against me later. Someone that loves ALL of me. The good and the bad. Someone that loves ONLY me.
I wrote out how I was feeling at work a couple of weeks ago and that was what I came up with. Sometimes it helps to just get it out. Why is it so easy for some people to just let things go...and for other people...not so much. Me, why is it so hard for me to let some things go? I dont know but its time to figure it out.
I dont know how long it has been since I wrote in here but I think its time I start again...myspace blogs get read by to many people that I dont want reading them. |
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| Its been a long time... |
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| 12:47pm 29/05/2006 |
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mood:  gloomy
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I realized the other day that I only write in here when I am sad. So, I guess I am sad again.
I just want something RIGHT to happen in my life. People say that things happen in 3's, so this should be it for awhile. I am trying to think about the future and what might happen but its so easy to think and obsess about what else may be going on at this very moment that I dont know about.
I was reminded how important it is to be independent, for myself. As much as I would like to think that I could depend on someone else one day, I dont think I ever can. People let you down to much just when you think they wont.
I tell myself every single day, that whatever doesnt kill me only makes me stronger. It sounds so stupid but it really does help me get through so much. |
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| 07:23pm 27/12/2005 |
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Well today I found out (AGAIN) that things are not always as they seem. I guess I assumed (well more like, he changed his mind and found his comfortable spot again...) Back to plan B I guess...I was very upset earlier...upset enough to cry at work. But then I realized again that whatever does not kill me and this will not kill me cuz I have been through worse crap then this...only make me stronger. I know it sounds childish but it helps me through so much.
If only Junior would call and we could talk things out. I miss him so much
I love you times a million... |
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| 06:26pm 26/12/2005 |
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Well it is finally true and honest...my ex boyfriend has a fiance...to bad I had to hear it from her mouth...Like they say (and to bad I didnt listen to this earlier) once a DOG always a DOG!!! I stopped caring last year...to bad we had SOME good memories...in the end it would have been so much easier to get over. Now it is even easier...to find out that something you once had with someone was all a lie!
I didnt hear from Alvin or Junior this week. I could understand Alvin...maybe I did mess up, or maybe he is acting immature. But Junior is my boyfriend. The man that said 2 weeks ago wanted me to be his wife. Sorry I cant marry you till I know you. Other things that have come up have made me want to end this relationship. Of course I know that if not because of these things I would still hold on. Only time will tell...
I am glad that work will be less busy this week. I am glad that I got 3 days off. If this had not been so then I think I would have quit...well not really but it would have been hard for me to continue working like I was. I have not complained about work as much as I could. Some parts I think dont mean anything but when someone starts lying about you, thats when you have to say something. I did say something which is why things were so hard last week. I will not be treated badly at my job. Hopefully work will be less stressful this week.
Well I better get back downstairs. I am currently in the middle of having my 3rd Christmas...I am not ignoring you Jessie...dont take it personally...just had lots of family around lately. I love you times a million. |
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| 08:56pm 19/12/2005 |
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mood:  hungry
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Its been how long...?
Someone read my livejournal today (you know who you are ;-) that I thought never would and I decided to write more in it again even though I dont get on my computer much anymore. To busy with work lately. Any other time I wouldnt have an excuse. Christmas is looming closer...I still have a couple presents to get but hopefully it shouldnt be that hard. Only 6 days left. I saw Krystal the other day. She will be up here till wendesday but I dont think I will see her again before she leaves. I guess I can see her stepdad aftet then. Hopefully work wont be to busy.
So now since I bought my car im trying to save up to move out. I want so badly to live with someone ;-) but God only knows that if that will work out like we could only hope. Things never seem to work in our ;-) favor like we want them too. It is hard when we know each other so well but dont spend much time with each other. I know we lead very very different lives...I just hope things work out for the best for the both of us wether we end up together or not. We deserve to be happy.
I dont know whats happening with Junior anymore. He says I love you and tells me he wants to be with me but his actions and lately his ignoring tactics are getting old and childish. I dont want to play games anymore. I am not a little kid, only a woman who tries to love the unloved. Only time will tell...
I love you times a million Jessie... |
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| 10:30am 10/07/2005 |
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mood: despite the weather
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I think it has been a year exactly to the day since John and I broke up. I was sitting here thinking about it and the events that happened that day and I got upset. I remember being so hurt and frustrated because he would not explain himself to me about what he did. I was so mad I could have hit him. I dont know why but I have been thinking about him and everything we went through lately. I dont understand how he can act like nothing ever happened between us and everything we dealt with in such a short time. I guess I cannot be that mad because I did cheat on him to. It was something I should not have done though. I would have loved to been able to walk away and felt like I was the better person. I think that is one of the reasons why I still saw him after that was because I felt guilty about it even if to this day (as far as I know) he doesnt know about it. Even if he did know now, I still dont think I would care that much. When it comes down to it, and I am in a real commited relationship with someone, I dont ever want to hurt them because I have gone and been in enough relationships that were hurtful and were not based on trust and honesty and communication. I thought they were but found out later I was wrong. That is why I want to get to know someone know before I jump into a relationship. I want to know it is for real and something good can come out of it. I deserve that. I guess right now I am lonely and that is why all of this is coming out.
One week till my birtday :-)
I hope Alvin calls again soon because it has been to long since I talked to him on the phone. I dont know why but he is like my rock sometimes. He keeps my head on right and keeps me sane. Well sometimes he does. I like it that I have guy friends...the come correct most of the time with less of the drama. Alvin does. He doesnt sugar coat it, he tells it like it is. I would rather have someone tell me the truth then lie because they think that will hurt my feelings.
I dont know where all this is coming from. I spent alot of time in bed yesterday because I was bored and didnt have anything else to do. That made me think about alot of things. Now I feel like my head is spinning and I feel like I should crawl back into bed.
I dont know what else to say :-( |
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| 11:47pm 17/05/2005 |
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mood:  tired
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My F'IN neck hurts so bad right now...I think that is when I know I am under the most stress. This week has been so bad for the most part
Well I shouldnt be THAT upset cuz I HAVE A CAR!!!!!
aNd NoW iT iS tImE fOr SlEeP!!! |
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| 07:12pm 16/05/2005 |
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mood: sad
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I thought today was a good day...but as the day progresses, it just keeps getting worse and worse. I would like to cry because I dont know how to feel right now. I always feel like I have done something wrong when I know I have not, and then in the end I apologize for something that was never there in the first place. |
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| 11:08pm 26/04/2005 |
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mood: tired music: Hate it or love it - 50 Cent
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Dont you hate it when you think you know someone and then they turn out to be someone completly different then what you thought they were...?
Its to bad...im sick and tired of being to nice and taking peoples shit. I keep my mouth closed to much when I get hurt. This really doesnt have anything to do with the situation at hand but I am realizing it. There are things in my life that I wish I could change now. Things that have to do with pushing people to the curb when I should have. Maybe people wouldnt think it is so easy to walk all over me.
I dont know where that came from...its getting late and I think to much when I am tired...
I miss Alvin...its been to long since I talked to him. :-( |
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| 06:23pm 19/04/2005 |
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mood:  depressed
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I lied. It did hit me harder then I thought. I wish I knew why. I guess I am just going to have to deal with it. I signed off to restart my computer, not to piss you off. I am sorry for acting immature and saying whatever because I know we talked about that. When I get mad, I get pissy and upset and say things that are hurtful and that I dont mean. You are right people should be happy for you. I still want to be friends...please tell me you forgive me :-(
Today was an alright day considering how the last 2 weeks have been for me. I got real emotional and upset when I got home from work. I want to cry now. :-( I am so glad I have my room back so I can hide again. I hate feeling alone. |
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| 05:50pm 19/04/2005 |
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Reply with your name and I'll tell you something I adore about you. Afterwards, copy and paste this into your own journal. |
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| 08:52am 18/04/2005 |
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mood:  blank
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Today is my grandmas memorial. I dont want to go but I know I have to and will because my mom needs my support. I just dont feel like being sad today, and also I dont know how much I can or want to deal with my cousin. :-( I want to go hiking today instead cuz it seems nice out.
Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. |
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| 07:43pm 13/04/2005 |
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mood: blank music: Bonnie Raitt
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"Feels like home to me, feels like home to me, feels like im all the way back from where I come from, feels like home to me, feels like home to me, feels like im all the way back where I belong."
It takes alot to get me to feel like that these days. Mostly when I get that special email or a phone call which is happening less and less, due to people being to busy and making "new friends" if that is what you wanna call them :-( Things are shitty and I am trying to make them better and thats hard. It would help if I felt like I had someone these days.
Today was the first day that I felt like things were getting better. I just need to get out. After all I am not working this week or next monday.
I am excited, after dinner, I am going to eat ice cream :-) It is nice to get excited about something small like that. After this week, back to weight watchers. I have to be good enough eye candy so I have to look good by at least my birthday. Deadlines to meet...getting closer and closer and each time I think about it, its hard to breathe even though its so far away still.
I hope we can get together soon...that would be nice...you know who you are ;-) |
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| 05:51am 08/04/2005 |
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Well it happened...my grandma passed a little before 9:30 last night. It was expected a guess but still a big shock. I dont know...I really dont have any feelings right now...running on little sleep... we are going to the airport today to get my grandparents....YAY! NO WORK! I am sooooooo worried about my mom :-( |
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| 05:46pm 01/04/2005 |
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mood:  cranky music: 50 Cent
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Things are so goddamn shitty this week. Work is so busy right now since I am going on vacation soon. I have to work tomorrow. On Tuesday we thought my grandma had a heart attack, but she didnt. Scared the shit outta me. Then today my mom told me that my other grandma has bone cancer. I am so used to life being easy and stuff then all of a sudden things get shitty at once.
The only good things that have happened is since I got my permit, I have been practicing driving alot. Then this morning I got a very special phone call at 3:30 this morning.
I dont know, I am so depressed lately since things are so shitty and I am trying to stay positive but its really hard right now. I have been sleeping so much and eating alot...I gained 2.5 pounds this week. :-( Oh well, maybe next week will be better :-( |
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| I am patiently waiting...for many things. :-( |
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| 06:07pm 28/03/2005 |
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mood: bitchy
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I got my permit finally. I am really excited but really scared. It has been 3 days now and I have yet to get behind the wheel. I made it a goal to have a car by my birthday for special reasons. We will see though, thats a ways off still. I wish I could say that there was something exciting going on right now but there isnt. Work is fine and I wish I was doing better at weight watchers. Slowly I am losing weight (25 pounds now) which is a good accomplishment so far. I dont know...things are kind of depressing right now I guess. Somedays I would like to cry and cry but it doesnt help anything so oh well.
I am trying to talk to someone right now, someone very close to me, and they are being AN ASSHOLE! I wish I knew what to do about this very fucked up situation that I am in. Yeah, well one of many.
I am going to go home and try to not eat because I am pissed |
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| 05:35pm 16/03/2005 |
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mood: sad music: 50 Cent
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Well well well, I got a phone call today from Mr. to good to call you even though I said I would a week ago. WHEN I WENT TO GO GET THE FUCKIN MAIL AT WORK! I guess I was not meant to talk to him today. Today was not a very good day and I know he would have made it better. :-( |
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| 06:13pm 24/02/2005 |
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Funny how I wrote that last entry then I got plagued with attention and (yeah right) love.
I went on a walk by myself when I got off work to think about stuff...plus I am trying to exercise more. I dont know. I thought about being happy and if I am and whats good for me. I dont know. Its nice to have space from the boys that I am close with. To much hurts somedays.
:-( I am not really sad I think...just lonely again. |
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| 05:23pm 22/02/2005 |
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I just have to say that today (and all of a sudden I might add, mostly after talking to Jamie) I became very sad and very very frustrated. I hate being in relationships with people that have other lovers or whatever. I hate not having someone to call my own. |
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| 05:58pm 16/02/2005 |
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mood:  sick music: Brian McKnight
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John has been writing me emails lately. I dont know what this means and I dont know how to feel about this. I so badly want us to get along because of all we went through...but it is hard to trust him and I know what I did even though he doesnt. I almost wish I had been the better person but in reality I am glad I wasnt cuz my ass wouldnt gotten played big time. So I dont feel to bad. I wish he would not be so self centered when we talk though like he means the world to me still..yeah right! I moved on...I hoped he would to but all you need is a distraction which it doesnt sound like he has. He called today...it was weird because I almost was upset that I missed his call. ALMOST! I really really would like to talk to or hear from Alvin...it has been over 2 weeks now. We never went that long without talking. Funny how you realize how much you miss those close to you and realize how important they are to you when they leave. I miss him.
Oh well...I better run though...its so friggin cold up here in the office and like I need that right now since I am fighting off being sick right now. :-( |
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